The Kirk Factor
by messed up stargazer
Summary: When McCoy and Spock walk into a bank, nothing happens.  When their famous "lucky" Captain walks in with them, it becomes so much more than that.  K/S.  Don't like.  Don't read.  Reviews loved.  Rated T just to be safe.


Let it be known across the universe that we have the absolute worst luck in history." James T Kirk said as he assumed the position usual for this. Laying his forehead on the cold, hard floor he thought _this sucks._

"Captain, that statement and the entire basis of luck is illogical." Spock said, with an eyebrow cocked.

"Shut up the both of ya." Leonard 'Bones' McCoy whispered harshly. They ignored him.

"I mean it. It is only us who can go to another damn planet and walk straight in to a damn heist!" Kirk said, rather loudly and waving his arms for emphasis.

"Admittedly, the statistics of doing so, with the Kirk factor, is ten thousand to one." Spock recited.

"The Kirk factor? What the hell is the 'Kirk factor'?" Kirk shouted.

"In human terms, our luck." Spock countered and Kirk's mouth fell open.

"I said shut up! Do ya wanna get us killed? And that means you too, ya green-blooded hobgoblin" McCoy yelled in a whisper.

"Silence!" A masculine voice boomed and Kirk felt a clenched fist connect with his stomach and then his jaw. His breath left in a whoosh and he coughed hard, his body trying to regain his lost air.

"Leave him alone." Spock and McCoy said together, except with different tones.

"I'm fine." He choked out, trying to get his attention off his friends.

"Yes you are." A female voice said and the other thief eased her way into their vision. She was walking slowly, probably going for sexy, with her hips swaying, her shoulders back so her boobs stuck out, and an obscene toothpick rolling around in her mouth.

"Come on. I'm getting hit on by a female outlaw. Well, we scratch that one off the list of 'the weirdest people to hit on me'." Kirk smiled and rolled his ever blue eyes and it earned him a hit to the face again.

"Ooh! A feisty one! Just my type." She said and she forced her lips onto his. He struggled, trying to get her off. A few months ago, he would raise his eyebrows and accepted it. Now he was in a committed relationship (weird, huh) and he didn't want to ruin it. His partner would understand, probably. Vulcans were very possessive.

"Whoa, lady. I'm taken. Sorry to disappoint." Kirk said finally pushing her off.

"Taken? Don't worry. I can take you away from her in an instant." She said, leaning in for another kiss. He pushed her away.

"Who said it's a _her_?" Kirk said and he glanced at his crew. McCoy was staring at him, eyes wide and mouth at the floor. Spock was cocking an eyebrow with his lips slightly parted. They practically had the same expression. He grabbed Spock's shirt collar and pulled him close for a kiss. Spock kissed back and the girl shrieked in anger.

They broke apart and Kirk opened his eyes, which had magically closed during the kiss, just to see his lover take a much too hard hit to the face. Green blood oozed from the major cut in his face and he lay limp with his eyes closed. Kirk threw himself up and got hard hits until he fell back to the floor. Anger fueled by love and hate ignited in his chest but when he took more hits, he stayed down.

"Homophobe." Kirk teased and was rewarded by increasingly harder kicks to the ribs and stomach. Blinding pain filled his torso and he stayed still, gasping for much needed air.

"I didn't say you could talk. Now everyone, we have what we need and now it is time to part. I'm gonna shoot you all, but its set to stun so don't worry." The man cried out and open fired on everyone except Kirk.

"What? I'm too 'fine' to shoot? I'm flattered." Kirk gasped.

"Nah. You ain't good enough to waste ammo on." The man said and grabbed Kirk by the hair and slammed his head into the ground. Kirk's vision blurred and knew that if he took another hit like that he was screwed. Kirk could only watch in horror as the man pulled out a long sharp knife. The man thrust it into his chest and Kirk couldn't breathe anymore. The knife moved in his chest and Kirk was, willingly, taken into blackness.

When he woke, he was lying on a familiar bio bed.

"Oh sweet home on the _Enterprise_." Kirk sang.

"Jim! Thank God! Can you open your eyes for me?" McCoy said.

"Always for the doc, doc." Kirk joked, following that one order. Bright blue as always, McCoy was satisfied that his head was screwed on straight.

"Wait. You said my head. What's wrong with the rest of me?" Kirk asked, knowing his friend too well to know when he was hiding something.

"Lift your shirt." McCoy said sadly. Kirk did and got a good look. He gasped despite himself. Carved into his chest written in scar was the words _gay fag_.

I'm really sorry Jim. There's nothing I can do to heal that." McCoy said depressed.

"It's not your fault. If anyone's it's mine. I taunted them by kissing Spock. Where is Spock by the way?" Kirk asked.

"I saw no reason to keep him here." McCoy answered stiffly.

"So pretty much he wanted to hunt the bastard down who did this to me?" Kirk asked slyly.

"Not in the same words. But yeah." McCoy said and Kirk yawned then glared at McCoy.

"You didn't say no when I asked." McCoy said.

"When I wake up, I wanna be in my own bed with Spock. Order." Kirk said, punched the pillow a few times then let the drugs overtake him, for once.

When he woke, he was surrounded by warmth. After all, Vulcans were better than a blanket. _Much better_.


End file.
